Today I am so sad. There have always been days when I get sad, reflective and feel isolated. Other times, not so much. But today as it rains on the remaining snow I am cold, alone, old and remembering, remembering, remembering. Self awareness amazes me, really. Why, as I feel whatever I feel, do I feel myself feeling it? Likewise empathy amazes me. Why do I worry so about what my wife feels? Why do I want her to be happy? Why am I even aware of what others feel? Why do I care what they feel? Why do I cry in movies and books? How does this all occur in the convoluted chemistry that resides just behind my eyes and between my ears?
I want to be religious. I want to believe in purpose. I want to believe in my place in a plan. I want it very much. I want to surrender to God. Why do I want this? Sometimes I pray. I pray for the ones I love when I am afraid for them. I never pray for myself. It seems too selfish, too prideful to do that. Perhaps someone prays for me. I don't know, but I am grateful if they do. I am a little ashamed about this, being an agnostic, so I never tell anyone.
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